if there are twelve cigarettes left in the pack then that means i’ve only smoked eight which means i can have two more to make it an even ten which means ten for tomorrow or five and then save the other five for the weekend. and then that’s it no more smoking for me i will stop right after this pack and i smoke a bunch at the shoot today i pose for George Pitts in Dumbo this is our third time working together and i watch through the large window and the trains pass over the Manhattan Bridge as he loads the film into the camera. we listen to the new David Lynch album the last one gives me the creeps because it reminds me of loneliness in Africa and our last shoot together when i was introduced to it this album is less jaded and as i listen i want to create beautiful things i tell this to George and he responds that he likes dark beautiful music and we have that in common and i change in and out of expensive lingerie that has been purchased for me and that i have never worn and my skin is burnt from yesterday’s facial and it makes me feel self conscious and mention it he says he didn’t even notice which is either honest or kind i’ll take it and put on sparkly suede black spike heels that still have the price tag on the sole and i’m surprised at how comfortable they are and think about wearing them to the next fetish event but that probably won’t happen this is most likely the last time i will ever wear them he asks me to crawl on the floor and i do so on all fours with the sunlight from the windows hitting me full on all golden i am aware that my labia is exposed in this pose and he confirms this by mentioning it aloud i don’t mind for some reason probably because it’s George and i try to crawl but i’m not the best at it i tell him it’s been requested before but i’ve never gone through with it because i always feel silly like a dog or cat i’m not sure how women pull it off but i can’t seem to get it so i change into high waisted fishnet panty hose and peach panties both still with tags on them and pull out my phone go to the wall and ask if he would take a couple of pictures and as he sets it up i slide the backs down so my crack is showing more and assume the position with my face to the wall and my hands up like i’m getting arrested and i arch my back like a good girl and stick my ass out and finally begin to feel very sexy. we carry on in this fashion for some time but with his camera now and my mind goes all over the place as he takes pictures i think about a phone call from this morning and Nick Cave and how in India they crouch down with their asses nestled on their heels and how close i sat to cow dung while we waited for tea to brew in Ashok’s hut and how surprisingly good it smelled like fresh cut grass and earth and financial domination and Prague and beer and Jan Saudek and what shoes i will bring for the trip and polyamory and car accidents and the smell of the sweat from my right armpit and the call girl’s naked flesh scent from last spring and how similar they are and a pedicure on Saturday and dinner and cigarettes.
